 Who is Jan Pendleton?
I first “took a Yoga class” in 1989. I was 28 years old and wanted exercise and ways to handle day-to-day stress so I decided to take some kind of class to relax. I had never done any body- or mind-awareness kinds of practices, was not athletic by any means, and didn’t know anyone who “did Yoga.” But something pulled me to it.
And once in the study, the pulling just grew stronger and I felt some kinship with this ancient approach to wellness and spirituality from far off lands. I found I couldn’t do without it, although I did at times. I would take a class or two a week and craved more and more. But life did occasionally pull me away from my studies. I would skip a week or two and sometimes even miss a whole month of classes when I allowed my calendar to run my life. But when I returned to class I found that wonderful feeling again and again.
It was a challenge for me in so many ways. My neck and shoulders were tight, my back ached when sitting in that cross-legged position on the floor, I couldn’t breath very deeply. I struggled to keep my busy and anxious thoughts from overtaking the time I was supposed to be quiet and resting. My mind and body were not so happy to release their hamstring hold on me. I remember being on my back with my legs in the air and feeling hot pain shooting up and down the backs of my legs and hotter angry resistance roaring through my mind as the teacher insisted that we “stretch it out” so we could be in “full warrior” in the following minutes of class.
Now warrior I knew. A passionately stubborn fighter for good in the world, I was always at war; but no more so than with my own psyche. I believed that I was here to make a difference and that I just had to keep pushing and pushing and I could fix people and all the problems around them. I hurt for the underdogs—literally and figuratively. I lived in constant guilt that I wasn’t doing enough for myself, my family, those people and animals less fortunate than myself, and the entire universe for that matter! So if stretching out my hamstrings would make me a better warrior, I was giving it a try.
At the beginnings and endings of classes the teacher would have us sit or lay quietly in meditation and relaxation, sometimes with quiet music playing, sometimes listening to her read an inspiring quote. While inspired by the moment, I still couldn’t let go of the pain in my backside and the loud chatter in my brain. I’d be in the “corpse pose” working out relationship issues and making grocery lists and plans for all that I needed to get done after class.
But despite the ongoing mixture of pleasure and resistance I found whenever I stepped onto my Yoga mat, I somehow I caught the Yoga bug. I added more and more classes to my schedule and began going to weekend workshops. My body began to open up and became more fluid in her movements. My mind started to hear the hush behind the thinking. My heart was touched by the deeper meanings I was finding in the practices. And I reached in every direction to learn and read and study the roots of this enticing activity that was becoming a lifestyle, growing to be my life. And nine years passed.
My teacher had been nudging me for several years to go to Yoga teacher training but that just seemed like someone else’s life. I was into Yoga for myself, not to teach … and besides, what in the world did I have to share with others about Yoga and how would I share it if I did have anything to share anyway?! Then a day came when my teacher needed my help. That was the key. Being needed fit in with my belief that I was in the world to serve. So I helped her out by subbing for her when she couldn’t make it to class. And she needed me more and more so I helped out more and more. And again she suggested I go to teacher training. And a door in my life opened up to make that seem much more realistic. So I said "yes" and applied for a program.
Yoga teacher training took me through another level of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual challenges, but I was filled to overflowing with gratitude for being there and immersed myself in new practices, augmenting my nine years of study with the fresh perspectives of my trainers and the 40 students who were also in that 6-month training experience.
My experience in Yoga Teacher Training came during a firey time in my life filled with intense emotion as I allowed my body, mind, and heart to drop deeply into cleansing and transformation. It couldn’t have been a better or more chaotic time as I was starting my life over in almost every way: I was in the midst of a divorce, I was in love (with a man who had 3 pre-teenagers!), I was traveling to and from Kripalu Yoga Center in Lenox, MA, and I was employing a new daily mantra for myself (which still lives on my fridge!) … ”I am now creating my life the way that I want it to be!” Indeed, while in Yoga teacher training, I was in love with myself more than I ever had known I could be and the passion I was pouring into me attracted the beautiful gifts I longed for in my life. That was about a dozen years ago.
And my Yoga practice continues to reveal to me such beauty … when I allow and open to beauty. I have found that the more I love and honor myself, the more I am loved and honored by those around me. The more authentic and truthful I live my life, the more genuine and honest my relationships become.
And yet, the blade of transformation cuts deep, wide, and not-so-cleanly. The double edge of Shiva’s sword will sculpt an exquisite new life of delights, but not without a nasty sting and some messy bits to clean up. My Yogic Path is strewn with bygone relationships, former roles I’ve played, outgrown costumes and discarded masks, ill-fitting theologies, and cast off counterfeit lifetimes. I stand in the doorway of worlds playing tug-of-war in battle with all that I am and ever have been.
Having said that, it is my highest purpose to inspire and assist others in Sadhana. I am honored to walk alongside those who choose their own Yogic journeys. I am thankful as I share my practices, renewed when I pass on tools from my shop, inspired if my pantries provide nourishment for other souls. The Path is rich and real and is the essence of Life Fully Lived.
And so I exhale and clear away that which is no longer needed. I inhale and am fed. I open my body and experience a more flexible mind. I extend and lengthen, I clear thought and see with clarity again, I tone and strengthen and discover new life energies surging me forward in my steps.
Questions that I get over and over….
Do I “do Yoga” every day? Yes, in some form or fashion I do! To put it a little more (ungrammatically) appropriately, I BE Yoga. I am often on the mat for an hour or two each day. But some days I do not roll out my mat at all. Sometimes I take my mat and a groundcloth to the out-of-doors and look up at the clouds as I release my core. Some days I focus on pranayama and meditation. Some days I take some time outdoors with the Living Yogis of nature. Every day I eat and breathe consciously. I dance, I move, I sigh, I shout, I sound out whatever’s deep inside, I chant, I sing, I listen, I am silent, I am still.
Is Yoga for everyone? Yes and no. Yoga CAN be for everyone … all ages, all levels of ability, health, and condition ... but only in each person’s unique expression and timetable. Some of us just aren’t ready or “into it.” No worries. It is crucial that individuals live and practice as their constitution and energies call them. Most all types of Yoga can be wonderful but not all styles are right for everyone. And, in whatever form of Yoga is studied, there must be a foundation of compassionate awareness and understanding of personal practice. |
